Autistic burnout is a state of complete depletion of energy, function and resilience. It is often invisible to others until it’s overwhelming.
Friends, families and partners are often worried and want to help, but can struggle to know how they can do so without making things worse.
I have previously written an article on how to help people in Autistic Burnout but I wanted to gather the views of the broader Autistic Burnout community.
I asked the people on my mailing list who have experienced Autistic Burnout to share how they thought their friends, family and/or partners could help or support them during these times.
I received a massive number of responses, so I have attempted to break these down into themes, and provide examples from the responses I received rather than copying and pasting all of them in their entirety.
The needs and views expressed here come from lot of different people with different views and experiences. What works for one Autistic person may well not work for another Autistic person but reading these comments may give you some ideas or a starting point for things that might help whoever you are trying to support.
1. Practical Support Without Judgment
A dominant theme is the need for tangible help with executive functioning especially without unsolicited advice, judgment, or emotional performance expectations.
Subthemes:
Help with executive dysfunction
“cook me meals”
“bring me snacks / things that are easy to consume”
“clean my house or pay for a cleaner”
“If it’s messy, clean. If I’m visibly struggling with executive function… please cook for me”
“help out with obvious executive function problems, without asking and without expecting a big external performance of gratitude immediately after”No expectation of emotional labour in return
“do it without asking or expecting a big neurotypical show of gratitude”
Support with tasks that feel overwhelming
“someone who could buy me my usual (idiosyncratic) groceries… or someone to help with the mobile phone contract”
“make things easy by saying what you mean and giving all the details”
“don’t ask me for decisions/make decisions easy eg. two options”
2. Respect for Sensory and Cognitive Boundaries
People need their sensory environment and communication needs to be honored without intrusion or pressure.
Subthemes:
Sensory sensitivity
“Be sensory friendly- Do not turn the tv on, turn bright lights on, wear perfume, spray air freshener… talk your face off to fill the silence”
“I have sight/touch and sound/touch synesthesia and irritating voices… is the texture of low quality polyester rubbing against my brainpan”Respect for silence and alone time
“Sometimes quiet and discretion is just what’s needed – no pressure or distressed ‘carers’ to worry about”
“Space. I need a lot of alone time to recover”
“A ‘No Talking Time’ when I first get home… It helps to not have to chat or answer questions about how my day was”
3. Validation, Non-Comparative Understanding, and Acceptance
Autistic burnout is frequently misunderstood or minimised. Respondents want validation and support without comparison to others, or their previous levels of functioning.
Subthemes:
Don’t compare current state to past functioning
“don’t compare me with a worse time I probably don’t want to remember anyway”
“talking about what they used to be able to do… can feel like a pursuit of a cure at the cost of accepting the person they are now”Avoid pathologising the recovery journey
“Recovery looks different for everyone. If you are not the one going through it, you have no right to judge.”
“I feel that my family… have no understanding of the severity of Autistic burnout… I worry that they think I’m not making an effort”Need for emotional validation
“Validation that my experience is real and ok (as in, it is normal for the situation and not to gaslight me)”
“don’t take it personally if they are putting distance between the two of you”
4. Emotional Safety and Freedom from Social Masking
Many feel forced to perform neurotypical behaviors to make others comfortable. Burnout increases the cost of masking.
Subthemes:
Masking is harmful
“expecting autistic people to mask rather than putting it on the normals to grow some compassion”
“I have to bend over backwards to keep them comfortable… so they don’t act out”Fear of being misinterpreted
“I can tell the second someone starts feeling disapproval toward me”
“I don’t like it when the family says how well I’m doing… I might be hanging on by my finger tips & just getting by”Need to stop performing
“not to have to go out and do ‘normal’ or things that might on the surface be enjoyable but might be too much for me right now”
“being told I’m rude if I can’t adequately feign interest in things that I don’t want to hear about and don’t even slightly care about”
5. Trust, Autonomy, and Belief in Self-Knowledge
Respondents expressed the need for friends/family to trust their insight and autonomy, even when help is requested.
Subthemes:
Autonomy in recovery
“I am the best person to care for this autistic person”
“Reassurance that you see me and accept me even when I cannot function”Frustration at being second-guessed
“Trouble is, this often comes with lectures and disagreement about what I need”
“multiple family members questioned my progress, the effectiveness of my treatment plan, and even my efforts”
6. Preparation, Isolation, and Strategic Withdrawing
Burnout often leads to a need for solitude, and some plan their environment to support this.
Subthemes:
Withdrawing is protective, not rejection
“the best thing for me is preparation and isolation”
“Check in… but you don’t need me to respond if I’m not up to it”
“Giving me plenty of space without judgement is one of the most helpful things you can do”Anticipatory preparation
“I find it best to try to prepare beforehand in as many ways as I can – especially mentally, psychologically for myself, by myself”
7. Gentle Presence and Nurturing Support
The desire for a gentle, non-intrusive, basic care without infantilisation was frequently noted.
Subthemes:
Soft care and comfort
“treating me with gentleness as my sensitivities are more pronounced”
“running me a bath if I lack the executive function to do so”
“encouraging me to wrap myself in a blanket”Supportive co-presence
“just sit with me to ensure I eat”
“listen to my rants without judgement”
“remind them you are there to support them”
8. Clarity, Communication Aids, and Gentle Direction
Some described needing help with decision-making and communication, in a way that is simple and supportive.
Subthemes:
Clear, directive communication
“clear instruction… being able to help get me unstuck and going (in a gentle way)”
“say what you mean and give all the details”Support in initiating help
“What can I say or do to let people know that I really, truly need help?”
“That actually IS my question! I thought I WAS asking for help when I was in burnout”
Final Reflections
Across all responses, there’s a strong call for:
Respect (for autonomy, sensory needs, and emotional state)
Support (especially practical, executive function-related help)
Understanding (of the lived experience and invisible nature of burnout)
Compassion without conditions (no emotional labour in return)
I am an Autistic Clinical Psychologist specialising in Autistic Burnout if you would like to know more about my work please check out my:
- Mailing list community for people who want to receive helpful information and resources about Autistic Burnout.
- Free short course on How to Break the Cycle of Autistic Burnout (link goes straight to registration page)
- Authenticity Basecamp: A 90 day support programme for people in the early stages of recovering from Autistic Burnout who want to get calmer, clearer and more supported.
- Authenticity: The Course and Community: For late-realised, high-masking Autistic adults who want to build more sustainable, authentic lives and break free of the cycle of Autistic Burnout for good.
