I had an interesting conversation with people on my mailing list about how people respond to the question ‘how are you?’ and I wanted to share it here too…
For Autistic people, and particularly Autistic people in Autistic Burnout or with other health conditions the question ‘How are you?’ can be very difficult to answer.
In this article I will outline
- What it might mean when someone asks you how are you?
- Why you might find it difficult to answer
- How other members of the Autistic Community respond to this question
I won’t tell you how you should answer this question as I think this is very much down to personal choice, how safe you feel and how much you value the relationship with the person asking the question.
If this question is something you struggle with then I hope the responses from the Autistic community might help you feel a bit less alone and maybe give you some ideas of how you would like to respond.
The responses given by the community and myself vary from the safest, most highly masked responses, through well thought out honest but vague responses all the way to outright outrageous and rebellious.
I have included every single response I collated from my mailing list, regardless of how it might be perceived by others so please use your own judgement before trying any of these out.
What it might mean when someone asks ‘how are you?’
- I’m making small talk/ using this as a greeting, I don’t really want to know how you are, please respond with something vague and pleasant.
- I want to know how you are, but don’t have time for a lengthy conversation so please keep it concise.
- Please tell me exactly how you are feeling and what’s on your mind, including any current existential crisis you might be experiencing.
There are normally some clues as to which of the above the person is asking. When I sent an email on this subject to my mailing list, the consensus in the responses were that this question is normally not a question, but small talk/ a greeting as in 1 above.
People commented that people will ask more specific questions such as ‘how are you getting on with your course’ or ‘how are you feeling about X now?’ if they are genuinely interested in how you are. They may also ask twice, or ask follow up questions to any vague response that you give to indicate that they are genuinely interested.
Other factors to consider are the type of relationship you have with this person, are they a friend acquaintance, health care professional or colleague? Their personality; do they like to talk? do they like to have deep conversations or are they someone who just likes to say hello. How much do you both usually share with each other, how much time you both have for this conversation, The norms of the culture you are living in right now and where you both grew up.
One email responder pointed out to me that even when it is a healthcare professional who is asking (so we might assume it is more of a genuine questions) they are likely to actually be asking ‘what problem has made you book this appointment’ or ‘please update me on the specific issue I am consulting with you on’.
Why you might find it difficult to answer
It can be really unclear as to whether someone is genuinely enquiring about how you are or whether they are (as in 1 above) simply using this question as a greeting or making small talk.
As both an Autistic person and a Clinical Psychologist, when I ask this question, I am asking for a ‘3’ response above. I want to know every thing. Unfortunately, because this is how I think, my baseline expectation is that this is what other people are asking too.
If you think they are making small talk or offering a greeting you might know that the expected response is something along the lines of: “I’m fine thanks, how about you?”
However, if the word ‘fine’ doesn’t cover how you are currently feeling then saying ‘fine’ can feel dishonest and disconnecting.
You may also experience demand anxiety if you know what is expected of you in this situation, it can make you feel controlled and want to rebel against it.
If you sense the question is not genuine it can, conversely, feel as if the person asking the question is demonstrating that they don’t care how you are by asking it.
It can be very painful, if you have struggled to connect with other people, felt lonely and isolated and then felt as if someone was actually interested in connecting with you and wanted to know how you are only to discover that they didn’t really mean it.
It can make you feel angry if formulating a response requires significant emotional labour and you are not even sure if they want to hear your answer.
You might feel that this question, formulating your response and coping with the associated anxiety is a massive waste of your time and energy.
If you think they are genuinely enquiring as to how you are then this raises more questions:
- Do you know how you feel?
- Do you actually want to share with this person?
- Do they mean right now or since you saw them last?
- Do they mean, mentally, physically, emotionally or existentially?
- What are they going to do with this information?
- How long have they got for this interaction?
- How much can you share before they will think you are oversharing?
I once visited my dentist and he asked ‘how’s things’ I struggled to work out what the appropriate response was…he was a dentist…I wasn’t expecting the question…There was a long delay and my face must have been displaying a ‘buffering’ type expression as after about 30 seconds he (thankfully) said ‘WITH YOUR TEETH’
I shared my own response ideas with my mailing list:
Sometimes I go right ahead and launch into my life story knowing that I’m breaking the unspoken social rules, but also, perhaps somewhat passive-agressively wanting to send the message that if they don’t want to know they shouldn’t ask. This approach has served me well to some extent in that it has quite a polarising effect. Some people love it and we become good friends, other people really don’t and avoid asking me (or even talking to me) ever again.
On other occasions when I’m in a situation where I feel the need to at least partially mask I will try and guess from the context and my previous experience what might be required of me.
Honestly, this is a bit hit and miss, as a general rule I assume good friends are asking 3, healthcare professionals are asking 3, casual acquaintances at the school gate or in the supermarket are asking 1 or 2 and the shop assistant or telephone sales person is asking 1.
But what do you do if you don’t want to turn a fairly innocuous question into a game of social roulette?
What do you do if you don’t feel able to give a vague and positive response such as ‘fine thanks’?
How other members of the Autistic Community respond to ‘How are you?’
I asked my email community if they would like to share their own personal responses to the question ‘how are you?’
My wonderful email community did not disappoint, I got about 30 responses from people who related very much to my email and shared their own personal thoughts and responses. I thought you might find them helpful and/or enjoy reading them as much as I did.
Responses from the mailing list community to the question ‘How are you’:
- Operating within expected parameters, and you?
- The horrors persist, but so do I, how about you?
- Keeping it real, you?
- Still breathing, how about you?
- Hanging in there, and you?
- Variable, how are you?
- Up and not crying
- Upright and not crying
- It goes I guess (in response to questions about how it goes)
- Been better, been worse
- Getting there
- When a ‘2’ response is required I try to think of one thing I’ve enjoyed doing recently and one thing I’m looking forward to and have those ready to share
- As expected
- So-so
- Up and down
- Tired
- Alright
- OK
- I tend to go with how the outcome of this next encounter will make me feel… like, “About to feel a whole lot better” (coffee is amazing!) or “Ready for this to be over with.” This usually covers 1&2 to get some level of connection to make it real without going into too much detail about my crazy life.
- I have no idea!
- It’s a bad pain day but I’m feeling more like myself than I have for a while
- Exhausted but generally ok
- Finding things tough but I’m here/out of the house
- There often seems to be a split in how my body and my mind are so I seem to need to answer 2 different parts to a single question. It’s become way easier to answer the question since I started taking time to work out how I feel (both physically and emotionally) most days before I see anyone.
- About the same, thank you
- I used to be greeted on the door at a church with “hello, how are you?” and it felt like they said “good” before I’d even finished replying. So, one day I simply said “chicken” and they still responded with “good”
- Fair to middling
- “I am well.” It’s a reminder of proper grammar. And a fail safe
- well, if people aren’t interested in taking things beyond “how are you”, then don’t blame me for wanting to have a little bit of fun, casual conversations and comfort zones are so well…boring and over crowded. My replies to “how are you” (to be used in especially crowded social places)
- I’m doing fine but tell me, do you still have problems with your lady bits?
- Energised, I’ve just had an epic pillow fight with your husband in the hotel down the road
- Still struggling with a blue ass thanks to the side effects of my new meds
- Adapting to the outside world, took almost 3 months for my pimp to pay my bail and get me out of jail
- Just hanging, taking it easy since I was released from the maximum security locked psychiatric ward
- Still on the run from the police
- Did you see my invisible rhino, I think he’s wandered off again
- Struggling not to grab a drink at this party, rehab is so expensive, I’ve tried it six times already
- Finally got my stalking issues under control, sort of
- Don’t turn around, there’s a six foot tarantula behind you and he looks hungry
- I’m fine…F**k’d up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional
- Thank you for adding Vodka to my coffee, so kind of you to understand my dietary requirements
- Doing really well since the house went up in flames, burns healing nicely, didn’t realise petrol could be so flammable
- My psychiatrist recommended an increase in my meds for everyone’s safety, I prefer the hollistic approach so I went off my meds this morning
- In German I might say something like this:
- To 1: “Quite a complex question, isn’t it? And what about you”
- To 2 or 3: ” Don’t you have an easier question ?”
- I never know how to respond to this statement so I usually say (with a tone of slight sarcasm), “Living the dream.” It usually gets a chuckle from people, which I appreciate.
- I didn’t wake up dead today
- In emails I mostly say I’m fine or ignore the question (if they aren’t interested in the real response anyway there doesn’t seem much point wasting time on working on how to answer it) and I’ll go straight to the actual reasons the person emailed.
- Keeping on, keeping on (quoting Alan Bennett)
- Squishy
- I often answer ‘good enough, and you?’ It almost always hits my honesty goals without having to spell out what my parameters are. Unless they follow up, and then I figure they actually want to know.
- I usually reply with – Well I’m still breathing in and out so something must be going right. How about you? I find I either get a laugh and a quick chat about looking at the positive in life or a mumbled/non reply.
- I always respond with I’m fine thank, how are you? There are 2 meanings to fine… the “normal” everything is ok/great etc and the other is to use fine as an acronym for “f*cked up, irrational, neurotic and emotional”.Only I know which version of fine I am using at any point in time unless I’m talking to someone who knows me VERY well (and they are few and far between). Therefore, I’m always honest. I figure if people want further information they can ask for it like I do. Simples.
- Enjoying the weather (can be said with sarcastic tone depending on the weather)
I am an Autistic Clinical Psychologist specialising in Autistic Burnout if you would like to know more about my work please check out my:
- Mailing list community for people who want to receive helpful information and resources about Autistic Burnout.
- Free short course on How to Break the Cycle of Autistic Burnout (link goes straight to registration page)
- Authenticity Basecamp: A 90 day support programme for people in the early stages of recovering from Autistic Burnout who want to get calmer, clearer and more supported.
- Authenticity: The Course and Community: For late-realised, high-masking Autistic adults who want to build more sustainable, authentic lives and break free of the cycle of Autistic Burnout for good.
