Low-Demand Connection

“Connection” 

Just the word can conjure up images of groups of friends enjoying drinks, or families sitting down to eat a Bisto-ad-worthy roast dinner together…

But these traditional, neurotypical ideas and images of connection can make it feel totally inaccessible to Autistic people,  particularly people in Autistic Burnout. 

The experience of connection, can increase feelings of calm and well-being.  It’s associated with increases in the soothing, bonding hormone oxytocin and decreases in the stress hormone cortisol.  It can help you to recover from and avoid Autistic Burnout. 

The physiological correlates of connection are an increase in oxytocin levels and a decrease in cortisol levels,  these same changes have been observed in studies examining human and animal interactions (Beetz et al., 2012) , the effects of being in green space or woodland (Grahn et al., 2021).

Connection can be defined as: “feeling a part of something larger than yourself, feeling close to another person or group, feeling welcomed, and understood” (Hallowell 1999).

The truth is you can feel connected to lots of different things, people, places and ideas in lots of different ways.

There is no ‘right’ way to feel connected. 

You might feel connected to a singer, poet, writer or  artist who expresses something you are thinking or feeling.

You might feel connected to the earth by being outside, by putting your feet on the ground, by gardening, by looking at the view from your window.

You might feel connected to a friend or relative by playing online games together, sharing playlists, photos, memes or reels.

You might feel connected to a pet by stroking them, caring for them, talking or singing to them.

You might feel connected to someone you live with just by sitting in the room with them, by sharing an experience with them.

You might feel connected to a community by reading posts in online groups, by wearing an item of clothing or jewelry or using language that signifies your group membership.

You might feel connected to a cause by doing something, even if it’s small towards making changes, fundraising or raising awareness.  

You might feel connected, just knowing you are not the only Autistic person who finds mainstream ideas around what connection should look like to be demanding and inaccessible. 

You might be querying (as someone on my mailing list did) whether these lower demand forms of connection are as good for you as intense human interaction.  There are no studies that I can find that compare the benefits of connecting with nature versus humans for example.  What I did find interesting was that the studies on the benefits of human connection used broader definitions of human connection that I had anticipated, with some studies just looking at group membership,  attending a social group once a week, the number of people interacted with over the course of a week or even the number of people living in households. 

In one massive review of the literature on the benefits of human connection the authors (Martino,Pegg & Frates 2015) summarise “The correlation between connection and health is clear However, further research is needed to comprehend the specifics and the details of the most powerful and healthful connections”.

I would also suspect that there may be a difference in the way connection might be experienced between neurotypes, but again this research has just not been done. 

With this in mind I asked my mailing list of Autistic adults who are in,  or have experienced, Autistic Burnout how they experience connection.  They gave me permission to share their responses anonymously here.  I have listed them all below, I have not edited them other than to put them in a list or preserve anonymity so there are some repeats.  There are 82 suggestions, so you might like to grab a drink and settle down somewhere comfortable to read the list or bookmark it to come back to later. 

I hope this list helps you to notice how you personally experience connection and to give you some ideas of how you might access feelings of connection without massively increasing the demands in your life.  

1. Parallel play.
2. Playing board games or doing jigsaws or colouring together.
3. Guinea pig or mouse cuddles.
4.  Gardening and nurturing plants or just wandering around seeing what’s growing, watering etc.
5.  To the Earth and the environmental community by taking biodiversity actions.
6. To the school community by emailing them about funding opportunities and learning events I find online.
7. To my local community by offering free plants I have grown by leaving them with a note on my doorstep or posting on our local online page for no-contact collection.
8. To the autistic community by taking part in webinars and learning from books and articles.
9. I connect with nature by listening to and watching the birds.
10. I connect with myself through yoga and meditation.
11. I connect with others through routines (this is a bit hard to explain but I feel connected with the woman I watch on YouTube to do my daily yoga – although I have never spoken to or met this woman, it is the practice of showing up as part of my routine that feels safe, comforting and uplifting).
12.  I can connect through the words on the page of a book or watching YouTubes by people with seemingly similar values to me.
13. I will say I feel at my most connected in nature, even when I am with people, as somehow it seems easier to be in the silence whilst in nature.
14. Nature: lying on the ground in a natural setting instantly helps me connect to a bigger space. Smelling fresh air, being outdoors.
15. Sitting at a space on my own and watching people pass by.
16. Hugging my pets, especially when they lie on me.
17. Watching movies help me connect with emotions, people, humanity, stories.
18. Sharing my autistic identity with people and talking about it. Similarly sharing information that I am passionate about. Teaching others.
19. Watching animal videos.
20. Creating something or buying a gift for someone.
21. Being in an intimate space with others listening to or watching something e.g. movie theatre, discussion group.
22. Wearing coordinating outfits with a friend when we meet-up, e.g. we agree in advance that we will both wear tracksuits to go for a walk or watch a film.
23. Writing to a friend. This might be a short postcard (with an image you think they will like or you like so want to share your enjoyment of), or a longer letter. This can be done at a time that suits you, it also allows you as much time as you want to formulate what you want to say, rather than having to quickly verbalise thoughts.
24. Creating Lego figures that look like my friends/family and sending them photos. I like to dress and pose them to reflect things that are meaningful to our relationship.
25. One of my favorite ways to connect is with old-fashioned snail mail. When my friends request regular phone calls, I invite them to be pen pals instead. They are thrilled to get cards in the mail, and I’m thrilled to dodge having to talk on the phone.
26.  I often feel very lonely and crave connection, but shudder at the thought of the neurotypical connections you describe.  I understand this completely, and wish that society understood more about low-demand connections for neurodivergent people. I often feel like people think I’m extrememly anti-social, which isn’t true, but I wouldn’t want to socialise in the way most neurotypical people would.
27. One important way I find low demand connection is through the Ashtanga Yoga commmunity, I teach and practice Ashtanga yoga, and feel very connected and inspired by the world-wide ashtanga teachers, students and communitites, but none of them demand anything!  Its a perfect connection for me and I don’t know what I’d do without it.
28. I have to work from home full time to avoid autistic burnout. I join the morning karakia call every day, which is a safe space to practice te reo Māori (Māori language) by reciting a prayer or opening for a meeting. It’s a welcoming group and i find it grounding and a way to connect with like-minded people every work day.
29. Exchanging postal art with other artists through snail mail (as a society we’ve lost the art of sending post).
30. My husband.
31. Trees!
32. Your emails Alice. Thank you.
33. I feel most connected in my felt-thoughts about anything of matter to me. Like nature or  the meaning of the feelings or behaviors of beings.
34. I am learning to let go of neurotypical social rules of engagement while being connected.
35. I feel connected when sitting quietly with family members drinking tea and reading books – no direct engagement.
36. I feel connected when I bike through the forest and smell the trees.
37. I feel connected when I paddle my kayak in the ocean and feel the subtle waves underneath me and see the sunrays simmer on the water.
38. I feel much more sane and connected when I listen to audiobooks about being autistic. Less alien and more me. It’s really affirming to feel that connection, with the reader and with myself. To me, knowledge has been power.
39. I really appreciated this email. I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of confusion around this because I do crave connection, yet I so quickly feel exhausted by traditional means of connection. I really liked the ideas you shared because it helped me to realize that I do a lot of things to help myself feel connected—I just never really thought of it in those terms before.
40. Letter-writing. Snail mail is a bit of a dying art, and since my Grandma passed I haven’t really found anyone who will reply to my letters, but the letters my Grandma and I exchanged definitely helped me feel connected.
41. Getting these emails. It’s super comforting to know that I’m not the only person in the world experiencing the joys, confusions, and challenges of autism. Getting that reassurance helps connect me to the wider autistic community.
42. Volunteering. I used to volunteer regularly at an animal shelter and it was nice to be working with likeminded people on clearly defined tasks. There wasn’t a lot of socializing, which was nice, we were just all working for a common goal.
43. Animals. Animals are a huge source of connection for me. I love spending time with my own pets, and it makes me so happy when I see birds or squirrels in my yard, or get to say hello to friendly dogs or cats when I go for a walk.
44. Gardening. You mentioned this one in your email and it’s one that (pardon the pun) feels very grounding to me. I feel connected to both the earth and myself when I’m digging in the dirt, and even when all I had were a few pots on a balcony it really helped. I also keep houseplants so that I have some connection to plant life even when it’s not the growing season.
45. The fall season. I don’t know what it is about fall, but it makes me come alive. My sister also loves fall, so we usually reach out more often during this time to share our fall bucket lists, cozy apple or pumpkin recipes we found, or just the news that “It’s raining!” or “The leaves are turning red!”
46. Body doubling. I didn’t know there was a name for this until recently, but a couple of friends and myself used to do this once a month with creative writing. We would all get on a video call and most of the time would be silence while we all worked in our own space—it was just nice knowing there were other people there with me concentrating on writing.
47. Quiet one-on-one time. Along the same lines as body doubling, I sometimes like to go with a family member or close friend to a quiet café or a park and just read or write or work on a project while they do their own quiet activity. We’re together, but without any social pressure, which feels very connecting and supportive to me.
48. Random holiday celebrations. I like sharing random holidays (like National Animal Cracker Day or National Pineapple Upside Down Cake Day) with family members. We don’t celebrate together, but sometimes we’ll exchange a photo or text about what we did, and it feels connecting that we were both celebrating the same random thing.
49. Puzzles. This one helps me feel connected to myself more than anything. I get into this happy, focused zone when I’m building a jigsaw puzzle—similar to indulging in a special interest, which is another way I connect to myself—and I can practically hear my brain humming contentedly.
50. I feel connected when doing craft activities with others, either teaching or being taught. I also enjoy playing games with friends. Basically anything with rules or structure, which reduces social anxiety.
51. I feel connected when I pass clubs with my juggling friends.
52. I feel connected to my community when I volunteer my time to help run events, share skills and perform them.
53. I feel connected to the scientific community when I volunteer at the XXXXX* museum.
54. I feel connected to my friends when I spend time one on one with them.
55. It helps me feel connected when I read about others sharing the same experiences as me.
56. Art, play and volunteering make me feel connected to my friends and the world around me.
57. I’m realising that my deity is my biggest source of connection. I’ve thought of Her as my special interest ever since I was diagnosed with autism and learned that term but have only recently begun to see this engagement as ‘connection’ per se.
58. I’m afraid I rarely feel connected to people, but I do feel other worthwhile connections, such as the buzz I get from drawing – when your pencil hits the paper and suddenly an image is finalised – it arrives, and connects. Or when I’m playing a piece of music on my keyboard and I’m really feeling a connection to the song or a memory connected to the song – or imagining how the songwriter felt when writing the composition. These are not so much ‘personal connections’ – they maybe tend to be, I don’t know … spiritual??? But they are, nevertheless, connections and ones that I value.
59. Cuddle therapy.
60. Art lessons.
61. Attending events alone for a fixed period of time, eg. a comedy night for 1 hour.
62. Attending public spaces alone for a fixed period of time, eg. a park for 1 hour.
63. Self care activities involving another person, eg. haircut or nail appointments, ideally finding someone goor and sticking with them.
64. Early morning exercise.
65. Going to restaurants, cafes, museums or other places of interest during hours when they’re less likely to be busy, eg. weekdays between 10am and 3pm.
66. Celebrating religious holidays, even by myself (as a pagan, full moons and the Wheel of the Year makes me feel connected to others and nature).
67. Meeting a friend at their house for a quiet tea party with reading.
68. Working with friends–as in meeting a friend in a coffee shop or on zoom and working together while occasionally complaining about our different coworkers.
69. Events like Nanowrimo.
70. Learning about ecosystems, watching them, and participating (like gardening, making my own inks).
71.  writing chill letters!
72. dreaming of friends (literal dreams, sometimes they are oddly accurate).
73. Drawing things around me!
74. keeping sourdough (so many organisms, so location specific).
75. Crafting, especially familial crafts like crocheting, or ancient crafts like weaving (so many weavers since humanity) and all so many of them tied to things around you.
76. Taking a staycation to connect to myself, since I sometimes disconnect from me. Also includes journalling, tarot cards, meditation, and other world spiritwork.
77. Yoga! And fan dancing, and stretches.
78. A huge part of my spiritual practice is being connected and part of this world. Part of my apprenticeship in my tradition is learning ways to be connected to others–and myself, and learning the best ways for me to do that.
79. Me, and two autistic friends of mine (I was ME/CFS, my friends who are autistic are also having  low capacity for social interaction) found out we like to watch a livestream together: That means we are watching a livestream of cute kittens, while on videocall together. (The livestream is from explore.ORG and features also other animals on other cams.). We were not the whole time talking, just hanging out together, enjoying one anothers company while watching the kittens or doing other stuff.  Everyone of us can say how much capacity / talking we like do to.  The three of us like that very much and we do it quite regularly.
80. Another thing I did was the “silent videocall”: When my ME/CFS was much worse than now, I asked a bunch of friends if they could videocall me all together at once BUT no talking. Everyone was doing their stuff they want to do (f.ex. painting, learning, reading, …) while we see each other. It was a wonderful experience for me, and also some of my friends said they enjoyed it.
81. My bestie and I communicate through voice notes, we get to communicate as much or as little as we want, can listen and respond when it feels good without any pressure, and has actually made our connection even deeper because of the pressure it takes off both of us. 

*detail removed to protect anonymity

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References

Beetz A, Uvnäs-Moberg K, Julius H, Kotrschal K. Psychosocial and psychophysiological effects of human-animal interactions: the possible role of oxytocin. Front Psychol. 2012 Jul 9;3:234. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00234.  

Grahn Patrik , Ottosson Johan , Uvnäs-Moberg Kerstin.  The Oxytocinergic System as a Mediator of Anti-stress and Instorative Effects Induced by Nature: The Calm and Connection Theory. Frontiers in Psychology, Volume 12 – 2021 DOI=10.3389/fpsyg.2021.617814.

Hallowell EM. Connect. New York, NY: Pocket Books; 1999.

Martino J, Pegg J, Frates EP. The Connection Prescription: Using the Power of Social Interactions and the Deep Desire for Connectedness to Empower Health and Wellness. Am J Lifestyle Med. 2015 Oct 7;11(6):466-475. doi: 10.1177/1559827615608788. 

I am an Autistic Clinical Psychologist specialising in  Autistic Burnout  if you would like to know more about my work please check out my: 

• Mailing list community for people who want to receive helpful information and resources about Autistic Burnout.
• Free short course on How to Break the Cycle of Autistic Burnout (link goes straight to registration page) 
• Authenticity Basecamp:   A 90 day support programme for people in the early stages of recovering from Autistic Burnout who want to get calmer, clearer and more supported.
• Authenticity: The Course and Community: For late-realised, high-masking Autistic adults who want to build more sustainable, authentic lives and break free of the cycle of Autistic Burnout for good.